Monthly Archives: September 2009

Stephen Chukumba says: “I know how Homer Simpson feels”

What No Parent Should Do To Their Child (Unless Adequately Provoked)

What No Parent Should Do To Their Child (Unless Adequately Provoked)

I just came from a 7:45 a.m. appointment with my daughter’s second grade teacher, Mrs. Caldwell, and I can truly say that I know how Homer Simpson feels when he’s trying to choke out his son, Bart.

Last week, we received a note in our daughter’s backpack, requesting a conference with her teacher, and we feared the worst.

For those of you unfamiliar with the ways of the Asha Ming, our eldest daughter is no joke. From the moment she arrived in the world, she let it be known that it was her way or the highway.

We’ve been trying (with limited success) to acclimate her to the ways of civilized society. For example, we’ve tried to teach her that when she’s bored, yelling ‘I’m bored!’ in the middle of class, is not acceptable behavior.

Similarly, if she see’s someone with any type of physical impairment, we’ve tried to teach her that saying ‘What’s wrong with his hand?’ or ‘Why is she walking funny?’ aloud, is also inappropriate.

So it was with great trepidation that we entered Mrs. Caldwell’s class to learn the motivation for the invitation.

Mrs. Caldwell informed us, that (true to form) Asha had shown her ass (figuratively, thank God) in class, and Mrs. Caldwell wanted to know what strategies we employed in the home to address Asha’s extra behavior.

I didn’t feel comfortable telling her that I’ve beaten her like a slave (not really, but I want to), so Chanel and I offered the PC solutions of applying consequences to Asha’s actions, to clearly express our dissatisfaction (when Asha behaved out of line with our expectations).

We told Mrs. C that Asha had to get used to the new environment (of 2nd grade) and that she’ have it together within a few weeks. (My fingers were crossed behind my back when I offered this assurance, and I think Chanel’s were too).

We talked about last year (and in kindergarten, and in pre-school) when we had a similar conference with Asha’s teacher. We came up with strategies that did, in fact, work out well, and Asha excelled, both socially and academically.

We shared some of these strategies with Mrs. C., who took it all in stride.

Ultimately, her teacher wanted us to know that she was looking for effective strategies so that Asha would not have to spend the entire academic year in the principal’s office. I’d be glad if she only spent half of it there. But I dare to dream.

At least everyone says she’s brilliant.  I know that one day Asha Ming will get it together

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Stephen Chukumba says: “Keep Your Crap Off My Lawn You Nasty M*th@F*ck!#”

Why do (some) people who own dogs fail to clean up after them when they poop on other people’s lawns? I mean really, is it that hard to scoop up a little sh*t when your dog has finished it’s business?

Keep your crapper off my lawn!

Keep your crapper off my lawn!

I don’t own a dog, but far too often I find dog poops on my lawn. I mean, WTF? Why am I bending down to scoop up the sh*t of a dog that I don’t own?

I’ve got kids for chrissakes! One day they’re gonna step in some dog doo and come tracking it into the house. Eeeeewwwww!

If I wanted to clean up dog sh*t, I would own a dog. But I don’t, so why am I cleaning up after someone else’s dog? More importantly, why is some nasty muthaf*cker letting their f*cking dog crap on my lawn?

I think the offending sh*t-leaver is this French woman who lives around the corner from me. She has a big ole dog, and I never see her with baggies-EVER.

She’s always jogging down the block (presumably away from the dump her dog just took), and although I’ve never seen her dog foul my lawn, I’m almost positive it’s her.

It would be like the French not to clean up their dogs. When I was in Cannes a few years ago, I saw all these ‘Please clean up after your dog’ signs (in French) all over the city. And I thought, ‘hmm.’

In hindsight, they probably put these signs up to get those nasty muthaf*ckers to keep all the dog sh*t from fouling that beautiful city.

But it also meant that at some point dog owners probably weren’t cleaning up after their sh*tty dogs, and had to take drastic steps to ensure compliance. These signs were literally everywhere.

I’m thinking about putting up one of those signs up on my lawn. Or perhaps I should sprinkle some anti-dog pellets.

Maybe I should just go and take a healthy dump on the alleged offender’s lawn.

That’ll learn her, nasty m*th@f*ck!#.

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