December 15th shall forever be remember as the day I was violated…the day I was robbed of my innocence…the day the earth stood still.
I should have known something was a brewin’ from the night before. The baby kept waking up and coming into our room. She was probably sensitive to the trauma I was about to face. But my interrupted sleep could not have prepared me for the horror I was to face.
Aside from the nocturnal interloper, the day started rather uneventfully. Got up. Made breakfast and the kids’ lunches. Chauffeured the kids off to school and came home.
I shat, showered and shaved. Not really, I shat and showered and got myself dressed. You see, today I was going to see Dr. Bachynsky, my urologist.
My wife and I said that, after the precious angel the Lord blessed us with, I’d have ‘the procedure’ so that we wouldn’t mess with a good thing (follow up a good kid with a bad one).
Since she’d suffered through the indignities of three pregnancies: stretch marks, sleepless nights and swollen and sore mammaries, I figured the least I could do was have a lil’ snip snip.
Three years and another pregnancy later, I realized I may have been a tad dilatory in getting around to having ‘the procedure.’ I decided the best way to make up for it was to make the appointment, see the doctor and schedule ‘the procedure.’
The doctor’s office was a few minutes away from the house, and I arrived (wife in tow) promptly five minutes late.
After a few minutes, a nice looking nurse (with her pants pulled WAY too high) summoned me to the back, and a few minutes later (during which time I flipped nervously through a People magazine with trifling Tiger Woods on the cover) I was joined by Dr. Bachynsky.
Dr. B was a short, stocky pleasant looking balding man, with a nice bedside manner. Little did I know he was a demon incarnate.
What’s the problem?
No problem. I’m here for ‘the procedure.‘
Oh, ok. I’ll be right back.
He returns a few seconds later with a diagram and accompanying literature.
Alright, ‘the procedure’ is performed as an out-patient surgery. You’re typically in and out in about 20 minutes. I start by pinching your vas deferens and giving you a local anesthetic. You might feel a slight pinch and burning.
Uh, huh. A pinch and burning? You want to stick a needle in my balls?
Then we make a small incision with a scalpel, and draw the vas deferens through the incision. We snip off a small portion of the vas deferens and cauterize each end. Afterwards, we place the cauterized ends back into the testis, stitch the incision with a dissolving stitch and repeat the procedure on the opposite side.
Uh huh. You’re going to put a knife and heat near my balls?
You’ll typically experience swelling the following day, so we usually advise our patients to schedule ‘the procedure’ for a Friday, so you can rest and stay off your feet. What do you do for a living?
I work from home.
Ok, so no heavy lifting?
Then you should be fine. The soreness usually dissipates within a week. In two or three months, you’ll come in and give us a sperm sample. If the seminal fluid is negative, then you’ll come in a month later, and we’ll check again. Two negatives means that the sperm behind the procedure is all gone. But until then you’ll have to use birth control.
Two or three months?
Or about 15 ejaculations. That’s about how long it takes. Now let’s check you out.
I’ll have to check your vas deferens and your prostate.
Yup. It’s part of the evaluation process. You can just drop your pants and lay on the table.
Wait, you mean NOW now?
When you have ‘the procedure’ I’ll pinch your vas deferens like this. I’ve got to check that you’ve got ’em on each side. I once spent an hour looking for a patient’s vas deferens, only to learn that he’d been born with only one! Now turn over onto your side.
Turn. Over. Onto. My. Side. WHY!!!!
Sounds of latex being stretched over pudgy fingers and the splurt of of a viscous substance.
Now just relax…HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN YOU”RE ABOUT TO STICK YOUR…
And then it happened. My manhood was taken without the exchange of even the slightest of pleasantries.
Everything seems in order. Aside from the fact that you’ve got your finger in my arse, you mean?
You can call Cathy and schedule ‘the procedure’ whenever you’d like. He says while wiping my ass. OH! The humiliation!
I descend (sheepishly) from the table and pull my pants up from around my ankles.
It was nice meeting you. I’ll see you when you come back in for ‘the procedure.’ He says smiling, hand extended for the obligatory departure shake.
I can’t even look him in the eye. You beast! How could you?
Good day to you doctor….Mengele.
See you soon. Smiling still. I will slap that smile right off your pudgy little finger orifice probing face!
Oh the things we do for love!