The Procedure. A Man Nightmare.


It takes a steady hand...

December 15th shall forever be remember as the day I was violated…the day I was robbed of my innocence…the day the earth stood still.

I should have known something was a brewin’ from the night before. The baby kept waking up and coming into our room. She was probably sensitive to the trauma I was about to face. But my interrupted sleep could not have prepared me for the horror I was to face.

Aside from the nocturnal interloper, the day started rather uneventfully. Got up. Made breakfast and the kids’ lunches. Chauffeured the kids off to school and came home.

I shat, showered and shaved. Not really, I shat and showered and got myself dressed. You see, today I was going to see Dr. Bachynsky, my urologist.

My wife and I said that, after the precious angel the Lord blessed us with, I’d have ‘the procedure’ so that we wouldn’t mess with a good thing (follow up a good kid with a bad one).

Since she’d suffered through the indignities of three pregnancies: stretch marks, sleepless nights and swollen and sore mammaries, I figured the least I could do was have a lil’ snip snip.

Three years and another pregnancy later, I realized I may have been a tad dilatory in getting around to having ‘the procedure.’ I decided the best way to make up for it was to make the appointment, see the doctor and schedule ‘the procedure.’

The doctor’s office was a few minutes away from the house, and I arrived (wife in tow) promptly five minutes late.

After a few minutes, a nice looking nurse (with her pants pulled WAY too high) summoned me to the back, and a few minutes later (during which time I flipped nervously through a People magazine with trifling Tiger Woods on the cover) I was joined by Dr. Bachynsky.

Dr. B was a short, stocky pleasant looking balding man, with a nice bedside manner. Little did I know he was a demon incarnate.

What’s the problem?

No problem. I’m here for ‘the procedure.

Oh, ok. I’ll be right back.

He returns a few seconds later with a diagram and accompanying literature.

Alright, ‘the procedure’ is performed as an out-patient surgery. You’re typically in and out in about 20 minutes. I start by pinching your vas deferens and giving you a local anesthetic. You might feel a slight pinch and burning.

Uh, huh. A pinch and burning? You want to stick a needle in my balls?

Then we make a small incision with a scalpel, and draw the vas deferens through the incision. We snip off a small portion of the vas deferens and cauterize each end. Afterwards, we place the cauterized ends back into the testis, stitch the incision with a dissolving stitch and repeat the procedure on the opposite side.

Uh huh. You’re going to put a knife and heat near my balls?

You’ll typically experience swelling the following day, so we usually advise our patients to schedule ‘the procedure’ for a Friday, so you can rest and stay off your feet. What do you do for a living?

I work from home.

Ok, so no heavy lifting?

No.

Then you should be fine. The soreness usually dissipates within a week. In two or three months, you’ll come in and give us a sperm sample. If the seminal fluid is negative, then you’ll come in a month later, and we’ll check again. Two negatives means that the sperm behind the procedure is all gone. But until then you’ll have to use birth control.

Two or three months?

Or about 15 ejaculations. That’s about how long it takes. Now let’s check you out.

Excuse me?

I’ll have to check your vas deferens and your prostate.

My prostate?

Yup. It’s part of the evaluation process. You can just drop your pants and lay on the table.

Wait, you mean NOW now?

I comply.

When you have ‘the procedure’ I’ll pinch your vas deferens like this. I’ve got to check that you’ve got ’em on each side. I once spent an hour looking for a patient’s vas deferens, only to learn that he’d been born with only one! Now turn over onto your side.

Turn. Over. Onto. My. Side. WHY!!!!

Sounds of latex being stretched over pudgy fingers and the splurt of of a viscous substance.

Now just relax…HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN YOU”RE ABOUT TO STICK YOUR…

And then it happened. My manhood was taken without the exchange of even the slightest of pleasantries.

Everything seems in order. Aside from the fact that you’ve got your finger in my arse, you mean?

You can call Cathy and schedule ‘the procedure’ whenever you’d like. He says while wiping my ass. OH! The humiliation!

I descend (sheepishly) from the table and pull my pants up from around my ankles.

It was nice meeting you. I’ll see you when you come back in for ‘the procedure.’ He says smiling, hand extended for the obligatory departure shake.

I can’t even look him in the eye. You beast! How could you?

Good day to you doctor….Mengele.

See you soon. Smiling still. I will slap that smile right off your pudgy little finger orifice probing face!

Oh the things we do for love!

Advertisements

20 Comments

Filed under Parenting, Smack talking

20 responses to “The Procedure. A Man Nightmare.

  1. Pingback: Diary of a mad (as in crazy insane) Black man(’s nightmare come to life) « Stephen Chukumba Says

  2. Vasectomy was the worst decision of my life. I was trying to help my wife out, and now I am $10,000 in the hole from post operative complications, and have been on bed rest for 4 months while my wife does all the work around the house. I am in pain 24/7, and I think my wife feels worse because she asked me to do it.

    Like

    • @Todd, I’m sorry to hear about your experience. I definitely have heard a number of stories where the well-intended ended up with something other than the intended results from their procedures. It’s sobering to say the least. I’ve arrived at my decision without any cajoling from my wife, so if anything goes wrong, God forbid, hopefully she won’t be burdened by it. More importantly, I’ve done my due diligence and know about the risks of complications. I’m weighing these against the benefits, and believe that it’s a risk worth taking. I pray that your situation improves, and please continue to give your wife lots of support.

      Like

  3. Keith

    Bruh, this is still funny. I think I still might be a little traumatized from the experience 2 months ago but as time goes on it gets funnier. Your Candor is what does it for me.

    Like

  4. Rachael Quinn-Egan

    I have never laughed so hard in my life after reading a blog post. NEVER. i am still laughing- gotta go – phoning my husband to tell him to read it. (I have the same doc by the way)

    Like

  5. 4V Terror

    Damn Bruh… Love is a crazy thing. All’s well that ends well

    Like

  6. Keith

    @Valerie, thank you I think. @Chukumba, my prostate was not inspected. I declined that offer. Maybe Dr. B really throws himself into his work.

    Like

  7. Valerie

    stephen and keith, i am sorry for appearing as though i lack compassion. i would like to say, on womankind’s behalf, that i commend any man for opting for “the procedure” rather than expecting his wife to have her tubes tied. it’s really a simple case of an outpatient procedure vs. major surgery. men who make the choice to sacrifice the potency of their family jewels are really choosing the lesser of two surgical evils. thank you, and tell a friend.

    by the way stephen, i wholeheartedly cosign on your philosophy. and it’s not gender specific. my anus is for exit only, also.

    Like

  8. Keith

    I just did that 6 weeks ago. Traumatizing. I can’t truly explain why but it is. Here is my theory. A man grows up and learns to protect his jewels. He protects them in any and every way possible. So the idea of having your balls cut open, nukka please! Jewels are men’s Kryptonite. If someone touches them we get weak. That is a fact. If your woman handles them you get weak. If someone hits, strikes, punches, thumps, slaps, beats, smacks, batters, or knocks them you get weak. My 6 year old son hit me with a bat in the batting cage accidentally. I was on the ground for 3.5 minutes.

    @Valerie, shhhhh… you don’t know what you are talking about. No one ever compares this procedure to giving birth. If men gave birth and this procedure was the required to give birth we would do it. The fact of the matter that this procedure is not for giving birth it is for the opposite. Which makes it even more traumatizing. There is a finality to it. It is menopausal in a sense. Which sounds very pussy like I know, but its not.

    Like

  9. Valerie

    you know what, men are pussies! your one violation can’t compare to the numerous times a woman has to spread ’em for the insertion of a cold, metal speculum. then compound that with the bone crushing pressure of a mammogram regulary after age 40 (or 35 if necessary). add a little splash of the discomfort of pregnancy, and the pain of childbirth, and i can’t even remotely feel your pain. i love you, but get over yourself. yall aren’t man enough to be women.

    Like

    • Valerie, where is your compassion? So what if we men are lily livered cowards when it comes to affairs d’gonads? Does that mean you must malign us when we are weak? Kick us when we are down?

      I have ALWAYS been compassionate for women and their issues. I know that women are the stronger of the two genders. Who else could bleed for 3 or 4 days and still survive? Who else could build another human being and live to tell about it?

      But that’s neither here or there. We are talking about my nutsack! It was never meant to be mishandled, stuck, cut, burned or abused in any fashion. My anus is exit only, not to be probed, prodded or have anything inserted into it, EVER!

      Like

  10. You did it! My hubby did it too- kinda a 40th birthday present from him to me :0) You’ll be alright. Seemed to take awhile before… just kidding. We were both pleased eventually.

    Like

  11. You are a REAL man! Good for you for sparing your wife another procedure. I am so proud of you (and your vas deferens)

    Like

  12. Nick

    Dude, join the club. Don’t worry, though. There will come a day, a day that may be hard to imagine now, when your joint will no longer even recall the day of violation. And all will be right with the world. But until that day comes, I would advise NOT to rush the 15 ejaculations by taking matters into your own hands too often. If you know what I’m saying.

    Like

    • Sage advice Nick. I hope you’re right. I still hear the “SNAP” of his gloves (picture me shuddering uncontrollably as I write this).

      No worries. After the procedure, I’m going to pace myself. I’ll have lots of time on my hands waiting in line for Chanel’s attention (behind the new baby, Duran, Chima & Asha).

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s