The man nightmare is over. Let the pain begin.

I couldn't bear to show you my junk being worked on. Be grateful for my discretion.

1:45 p.m. Asked to disrobe.

Declined general anesthesia, opting instead for a local (I’m a man, I can take it).

Shaved my balls.

Cleaned with cold betadine solution.

Observed the doc (aka ‘The Sadist’) change gloves.

Where’s that needle going?

Got a shot in my balls. Slight OUCH!

“Which razor are you going to use?” (says the nurse)

Razor? What happened to the scalpel?

Felt my left vas deferen (is that the proper singular?) being pulled out.

The feeling was  like someone punched me in the gut through a pillow.

Is that supposed to hurt?

Let’s give him some more local.

More needles in my balls.

Now he’s doing something down there, which created a tingly sensation in my bum.

Smell burning.

He’s got a needle and thread.

Must be finishing on the left side.

First side down, no worse for the wear.

On to the right side.

iPhone alarm just went off reminding me I’m having surgery in 30 minutes.

Pulls out the vas deferens on the right side.

Got that punched in the gut feeling again.

Smoke. Smoke?

Feel like I’ve got to pee.

“Hey doc, OUCH!”

Get a couple more shots of local to dull the sensation.

Sounds of sizzling bacon.

“Doc you’re not cooking down there are you?”

Laughter. But no answer.

Using some new fangled tool (new clip applier) on my balls.

Mindless banter between the doctor and nurse as they sew some more.

Status update: “Almost done.”

“Moving along quite nicely. You’re scrotum is cooperating.”

It’s the private schooling.

2:07 p.m. Surgery complete.

Cleaning me up.

Apply bandage.

All done.

Start to finish about 20 minutes.

No big deal. No sweat.

Just saw the quarter-inch piece of vas deferens they removed from the left side.

Looks like a red piece of rice.

I tried to Tweet live from the operating table, but couldn’t get a signal, so this blog post is the next best thing.

I feel like someone kicked me in my nether region.

I’m high on oxy right now, so I’m going to bed.


Filed under Smack talking

11 responses to “The man nightmare is over. Let the pain begin.

  1. You are a natural born blogger.


  2. Oh. My.
    The sizzling bacon and smoke sounds veeery familiar. Did you talk to your homeboy about this beforehand? It was also very brave to liveBlog from the table. I’m sure I would have passed the hell out. You know, from the smoke and all.
    Congrats, bro—and welcome to the dark side!


    • @Denene, I called James up and told him I was going in, but we didn’t get a chance to really go deep with it. I did have the benefit of the knowledge of his experience first-hand after the procedure, so I had some background for what it was going to be like. But he never said anything about bacon. Go figure.


  3. Walidah Walker

    I’m sorry Stephen – this is hilarious!!!


  4. Alex

    The description of sizzling bacon almost made me pass out and lose my dinner! Hope you’re feeling better yo! 🙂


    • @Alex, I’m all better now. I’ve got a stitch down there still, but aside from that, it’s all good. Let me assure you that despite the graphic description, it really wasn’t bad at all. If I had elected for general anesthesia (which most people do), I wouldn’t have felt, smelled, heard or observed a thing. All I would have dealt with was the post-surgery discomfort. Since I’m somewhat of a masochist, I had to experience the procedure, but it’s definitely not necessary.

      If you’re ever in the market for the Big V, let me know, and I’ll give you the non-sensational version.


  5. 4V Terror

    Next move???

    Heal, get a babysitter, get a fancy hotel room and the Mrs! Time to try the revised equipment.

    Get well soon bruh, and best wishes.


    • Thanks bro. I think it’ll take a week to get right and I’ve got 72 hours before I can get my freak on. But you’ve clearly got the right idea! I’m poppin’ pills like no man’s business, so the healing phase will (hopefully) be a blur.


  6. Alma

    I’m passing this on to you- know- who. Congrats!


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