Stay in your lane (aka muth*f*cka you can’t drive)!


I wish I could wrap my Jeep with this message.

I originally wanted to title this post ‘The Zen of Driving.’

But since I’m constantly cussin’ behind the wheel, and have yet to achieve vehicular Nirvana, I would be a tad disingenuous to be giving advice on finding one-ness when driving.

So instead, I’m going to rant. Surprise, surprise.

I consider myself to be a good driver.

Although I’ve received numerous tickets throughout my driving career for various driving infractions, I’ve only been in one accident that I caused (hit a slick of ice and spun out of control).

My only victim to date was an unsuspecting telephone pole.

But I’ve been rear-ended, side-swiped and on the far-too-close end of multiple near death driving experiences, that I simply have to testify.

Like last Saturday driving my son to a birthday party when I was nearly run off the road by a moron turning into my lane as if I wasn’t even there!

But I digress.

To put it simply, muthaf*ckas can’t drive.

To wit:

If you’re doing 50 in the left lane and folks are passing you on the right, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you’re doing 50 in the left lane and I roll up on you, and you fail to cede the lane, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you’ve got your turn signal on for a half mile, but fail to make a turn in that direction, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you straddle two lanes when you drive, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you talk on the phone (not hands free), eat, drink, apply make up or (insert inappropriate activity while driving here), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you make a right hand turn from the left lane (or a left hand turn from the right lane), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you back out of a driveway without yielding to oncoming traffic, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you drive like Mr. Magoo or Asians (sorry Asians, but you ALL drive like Mr. Magoo), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you drive down a residential street like you’re in the Indy 500 (or down the highway like you’re on a residential street), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you weave through traffic like some sort of nut trying to avoid the police, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you fail to go around a car turning left when you have ample room to pass on the right, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

I’m getting hot, and I’m not even behind the wheel right now, so I’m signing off.

But if you’re reading this while you’re driving…

MUTHAF*CKA YOU CAN’T DRIVE!

Note: Please feel free to share your own driving pet peeves.

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7 Comments

Filed under Smack talking

7 responses to “Stay in your lane (aka muth*f*cka you can’t drive)!

  1. Pingback: Don’t f*#k!ng text and drive!! | Stephen Chukumba

  2. Let’s just say, take note: Don’t let Stephen Chukumba EVER see me drive.

    Like

  3. 4VTerror

    I road race, drag race, street race and Auto X as a hobby and have owned 67 cars over the last 22 years. I pride myself on actually having car control and actual driving techique/skill. Since I drive for a living (Bank Rep) I see it all.

    My biggest issues are those who attempt what they have no skill for or do in cars ill equipped for it. To wit, zig zagging in traffic in your Buick or SUV. Igonoring the flash to pass and hogging the passing lane. Middle Eastern drivers in Edison who scare me out of my mind. The elderly drivers who dont signal turns and ride their brakes constantly. The Black Car drivers who brake check for no damn reason at all. People who pull onto a highway and cross over 2 or 3 lanes to go fuckin slow. (If only I had a Army Tank for you idiots).

    But my all time favorite are folks on their cell phones who are desperately trying to hide it and swerving all over their lanes. (Special shout out to every cop I see holding their cells and driving while looking to pull drivers over)

    To you all I say Mothafucka you cant drive…

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  4. lets not generalise about poor drivers – it just means they haven’t been taught by the right driving instructor!

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    • 4VTerror

      BS… The testing/skill needed to acquire a license in the US is laughable compared to say Germany for instance. Bad driving is bad driving with or witout an instructor.

      Like

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