Oprah. You. Need. Me. An open letter to Oprah Winfrey.

Alright Oprah.

If you wanted me to host a show for you, you could have simply asked.

But no.

Instead you arrange this ridiculous Your OWN Show contest, just so that people won’t figure out that you’re one of my biggest fans.

Listen Oprah, I get it.

It’s like the way David Letterman was constantly talking you up to get you on his show.

I understand that you’re not willing to shame yourself, just to get me on a couch beside you.

But don’t you think this whole contest thing is just a tad…excessive?

I’m going to humor you though.

I’ve uploaded my lil’ video and completed your (quite exhaustive) application.

So can we please dispense with the formalities, and put me on a plane to Chicago already?

As I said in my audition tape, I’m going to do a show where dudes give chicks advice on relationships.

We could even start with you, and get to the nitty-gritty of this whole Stedman thing.

Or not.

But you catch my drift.

Women are constantly asking other women advice about how to land (or keep) a man.

Why?

Wouldn’t it make more sense for women to ask MEN their advice on the best way to land (or keep) a man?

I think we could provide a bit more insight on the male species. Call me crazy.

Whenever you or your producers get around to my video, hit me up and let me know the dates that you want me to come out there.

I’m not just sitting around waiting for you, ya know. Yes I am.

So don’t play yourself and leave me hanging.

I know you’re a billionaire and all that, but if you want to make some REAL money, get with your boy.

And just in case my video gets lost, you can check it here.