Monthly Archives: August 2012

Far too often, I find myself presented with a particularly detestable situation, that I just have to get off my chest.

I’m sure that I’m not alone, and that many of you have experienced the same thing.

I’m talking about B.O.

Have you ever found yourself talking to someone and noticed a really foul odor.

Instantly, you think, “what the f*ck is that?!”

A quick once over and you confirm that you’re not the source.

And then it dawns on you, the person you’re speaking to is the culprit.

If you’re lucky, this nasty bastard has just passed gas, and soon the malodorous air will pass.

But if the root cause is bad breath or body odor, you’re going to continue to suffer until you can decouple and escape to fresh air.

I’m not talking about a minor case of halitosis.

Or someone who is fresh off a run or some other physical activity.

But a person who has no right (No right, I tell you!) to be so offensive.

And (even more offensively) to be wholly unaware of the fact that they offend.

Now being from the Continent, I’ve experienced my fair share of BO.

Lets be real.

When it’s routinely 100 degrees outside and AC is a luxury, cats are going to be a lil’ spicy.

But we’re not in a third world people!

We’re in the US of A!

So you can handle those pits one time!

There is no reason for me to have to endure your funk the first thing in the morning (or at any point in the day for that matter).

Didn’t you bathe!?

Haven’t you heard of mouthwash?

Handle that!

There is simply no excuse for you to be assaulting me with your goat cheese cow dung breath.

Suck on a mint.

Chew some gum.

Keep a mint leaf under your tongue.

If you can’t manage any of these simple tips to save others from olfactory assault, then cover your mouth when you talk.

Or wear one of those Chinese avian flu masks or a bandana to shield the world from your gas hole.

And if you’re one of those people who perspire profusely, here’s some advice for you:

1. Wear t-shirts. They help to capture your sweat and keeps it from reaching your outer layer of clothing.

2. Use extra-strength antiperspirant. Notice I didn’t say ‘deodorant’. I said ANTIPERSPIRANT. Your issue is that you sweat too much, causing your pits to be funky. Don’t try to mask your funk. It doesn’t work.

3. Carry a change of clothing. If you’re prone to sweating, such that your clothes carry that wet dog smell, be sure to have a fresh change of clothes that you swap mid-day, to get you through the rest of the day.

And if you’re one of those people who aren’t even aware that they offend, here are a few clues to let you know you’re funky:

1. Avoidance. Folks turn around and walk in the opposite direction when they see you coming.

2. The holding of breath. People routinely take huge gulps of air when they approach you and/or seem to only exhale in your presence.

3. Social isolation. Whenever a group of coworkers get drinks after work or hit the clubs, you don’t get invited. Or if you do, you spend most of your time on the periphery.

4. The scattered roach effect. People disperse whenever you approach clusters of them in the lunchroom or at water cooler chats.

5. The Orbit effect. You are regularly offered gum and breath mints from perfect strangers in public.

6. Crying toothbrush. You notice that your toothbrush and dental floss weep whenever you use them.

7. Honesty. You’ve been told “Your breath stinks.” or “You smell.” more than once.

These are telltale signs that your hygiene game needs a makeover.

Do something about it…

Now.

You nasty thing!