A few weeks ago, I realized I was going to have to shoot my television.
You see, recently, old girl had begun to show signs of age.
I’d been trying to ignore them (the signs).
Seizure inducing flashes whenever the image on screen had a white background.
Remote control constantly out of synch.
Faint shadows burned into the screen.
She was lame, but she worked.
I didn’t want to admit the truth.
But the other day, when I turned her on, and it took several minutes for the volume to be audible, I knew it was the end.
She just needed to warm up.
What is this? A vintage car?
And what used to be a few minute lapse between hitting power and hearing sound, has become an hour ordeal.
I understand how people lived before ‘speakies’.
Now, I must shoot my poor Gateway and get a new set.
And I’m sad.
I’ve had this ole biddy since 1998.
Back then, she was a beautiful 42″ plasma.
When cats were still rocking the fat-back TVs, I had stepped up to a wall mounted flat screen.
Well my girl had actually done the stepping up.
I stepped alongside.
Or perhaps, more accurately, behind since it was she who dropped coin.
2,500 smackaroonies to be exact.
And that was a steal!
Joints ran $5k easy.
But she saw a sale at Gateway and was sold.
To be honest, initially, I had my reservations.
What the fuck does Gateway know about televisions?
Sure, they made cute computers and shipped them in cow print boxes.
But those were computers.
And we’re talking TVs here.
Mind you, homegirl was a TV junkie, so who was I to stand in the way?
If she wanted a Gateway, we were going to have a Gateway.
So one day we jumped in the whip and headed to the Gateway store on Route 10.
And my life changes.
All I saw were football games, soccer, boxing, The X Files – all larger than life.
And crisper than I had ever seen before.
Super hi-def (way before they even offered hi-def programs).
Booming stereo sound.
Ports as far as the eye could see.
I was in heaven.
I was transported to cloud nine the day it was delivered and installed.
They mounted it on the wall above the fireplace and we achieved TV nirvana.
Fifteen years later, she’s giving up the ghost.
Compared to flat screens today, the Gateway is a dinosaur.
She’s thick and heavy.
Like Governor Christie.
No HDMI ports.
I couldn’t even hook up an Apple TV to that bitch.
But as I look at new 42″ plasmas going for less than 400 bucks on Amazon, I realize how far ahead of the times I – I mean my girl – was.
I’m probably going to cop a new Samsung – them joints are banging!
But there will always be a place in my heart for miss thing.
Fare thee well old friend.
Fare thee well.