iPhone 5s. The “s” stands for sucka.

iPhone 5 sucker

Apple is notorious for making us want things we don’t need.

Think about it.

A few weeks ago, they dropped the kaliedascope 5c and the FBI-inspired 5s with fingerprint recognition.

And who bought those phones?

Were they iPhone newbies eager to own their first iPhone?


Invariably, they were iPhone veterans stepping up to the latest and greatest.

Although if you copped the 5c you were actually stepping down.

I digress.

Folks who stood in the long lines or pre-ordered a new iPhone probably had nothing wrong with their current devices.

The only thing wrong, was that a new iPhone had just dropped.

More likely than not, they were salivating over all the features the 5s had to offer, and looked upon their current phones with disgust.

Why can’t you be more like the 5s?

But if they were already on the 5, which countless millions were, the 5c and 5s were nothing more than Apple’s oft-rehearsed slight of hand.

A shell game as it were.

Seriously, how many times have they run this play?

Get us all hot and heavy for the latest iPhone.

Queue us up like lambs to the slaughter, waiting in long lines to pay a pound of flesh for our shiny new bauble.

Let us bask in its shiny newness for a hot minute.

Only to drop a better, shinier, more feature-filled device immediately thereafter.

And the cycle begins anew.

Why do we fall for it?

Are we stupid?

Is obsolescence that quick?

Do their upgraded devices simply work so well that we can’t live without them?

Or is Apple’s marketing that persuasive?

I’m going to go with “Apple knows a mark when they see one.”

That’s right.

We’re all a bunch of hopeless marks.


What is the 5s anyway?

A new OS?

No. They released iOS 7 and you didn’t need a new phone to get it.

A new shape?

Nope. It’s the same body shape as the current 5. Buttons, ports, everything’s in the same place.

Fingerprint recognition?

Not likely, since it’s universally acknowledged that its the most nonsecure method of protecting your device.

I can’t imagine that we’re falling over ourselves to cop a new phone for that useless feature.

The “gold” back plate and accents?

Nah. Sure that little gold “O” around the home button is kinda sexy, but not everyone likes gold or could get that limited edition.

And the vanity factor is quickly eliminated once you drop it in a protective sleeve (like I do).

So what Made Apple so sure of themselves?

One little letter: “s.”

Adding an “s” to any of their phones makes us crazy.

Think about it.

3gs. 4s. 5s.

Every time they released an “s” phone, cats queued up.

We didn’t know that that effin’ “s” meant, but we knew we had to have it.

It’s got an “s” in it’s name, damn it! Get out of my way!

While some surmise that the S stood for Siri, Apple’s voice assistant, that theory fails to pass muster when other iOS devices also have Siri – and no “s”.

Others suggest that the “s” could stand for “special” or “super” or even “speed.”

No. No. No.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

It took me months of clandestine research, bribes and subterfuge to uncover this information.

“S” is a highly classified designation at Apple.

It applies to a select subset of products.


The “s” stands for “sucka.”

Which is what you are for falling for Apple’s little tricks time and time again.

Present company included.

Damn you Apple!


Filed under iPhone

5 responses to “iPhone 5s. The “s” stands for sucka.

  1. You knew that if you posted an iSomething blog, I’d be have to come, right? lol. You know what’s funny is that I now consider myself an Apple fanboy, only because the critics have labeled me so. When iPhone first came out, I got it. Not right away… but I did. I finally settled into a new iPhone 2G and stayed there until the iPhone 3Gs. I completely skipped the iPhone 4 and iPhone 4S until the iPhone 5.

    From which I was ready for a new phone at that point due to the age and slowness of the network. Not necessarily because the Apple product didn’t last. In fact, I still have it and it works flawlessly. Albeit much slower than my i5. So I guess you can say that I wasn’t really a sucker for the trade.

    I have to admit that I thank all the suckers that do upgrade every time a new system comes out just to keep the ball rolling and the system in place for me to take my leap when I feel the need. As for the iPhone 5C, I actually do think it was a great step forward. No longer can the droid-anuses hold up the critique that it’s “way too expensive”. In fact, the iPhone 5C is now competitively priced that with alternative systems.

    I’m sure I’ve mentioned it a time or 2 but I didn’t start bashing all the Android fans until they started bashing me. I remained silent for a long time. In fact, up until recently.

    If anyone has actually taken a look at both sides of the field – hand in hand.. you can definitely tell that iOS is a superior experience. Mostly it comes down to the scrolling and smooth animations for me. Which droid totally get’s wrong and has from the start. Fix that problem then maybe I can reconsider taking another approach. But as one Android developer stated, that won’t ever happen for the mere fact that the kernel (the deep roots) would have to be scratched and a new core system be put in place. IE: Scratch the idea and start over.

    Sure it’s no longer an opinion of which device can do what because as far as I’m concerned both devices have their advantages and disadvantages. One thing that came to my mind the other day was the fact that I realized I pay Apple for stability and protection. My cousin recently got a virus on his droid AND has had constant crashes. I can’t even remember the last time my iPhone needed a restart or even came close to a crash. Can’t say the same for the droids I’ve played with.

    As usual, just my $0.02 (inflation excluded)


    • Levi, I’d be nothing without you!

      I’ve been a fan of Apple ever since I touched a MacBook. The fact that, as you said, everything works together seamlessly is why I’ve remained a fan.

      Like you, I have to use both Android and iOS products for work, and because of that I agree that everything is essentially the same. It’s the execution that’s different. And in my opinion, Apple simply executes better.

      Their closed OS means that malicious bugs aren’t getting in.

      At the end of the day, there are going to be Apple fans and Android fans, and luckily there are devices to satisfy each.

      Your insights are always appreciated!


  2. Winston Clayton

    No, I switched to the Galaxy Note2 and I am contemplating getting the Note 3 but I saw it and as I’m looking into the specs I’m somewhat hesitant as they didn’t really make that much of a difference, except for a bigger screen and a better camera; I’m like meh and would rate it 3 on my WOW factor, so I may be non-hypocritical and stick with my Note2.


  3. Winston Clayton

    Like I always say, those Apple fanpeople with fall for the same trick over and over; Apple could market a stone and call it iRock (no relation to the car of a similar sound) and folks will camp out, wait in line, not pay their rent to get it; clever move Steve Jobs, clever move. From what I’ve seen and read about the 5s, very little has changed as far as functionality or the WOW factor; so same phone, probably different packaging with a few tweaks here and there and the adage “if you build it, they will come” goes into effect; maybe Apple followed the marketing of Nike as they do with the Jordan’s; release the same sneaker with a few minor tweaks and you have fandemonium, but like P.T.Barnum famously said, “there’s a sucker born everyday” so go figure.


    • So let me ask you. Are you still rocking the GS3 or have you swapped devices?

      I’m hard on Apple because I know they can (and have) do/ne better.

      Are you similarly critical of Samsung/Android?

      If you’re still rocking the same device, then you can cast stones.

      But if you’ve upgraded your Android for a newer model, with a better camera, better screen resolution, new OS, you’re a hypocrite.


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