Posting on the John. Your status update can wait you nasty bastard.


Have you ever been in a public bathroom stall and overheard your “neighbor” tapping on their mobile phone, holding a conversation or playing a game?

You may have even been the offending neighbor yourself.

Whatever the case, I find the use of mobile devices on the latrine…gross.

I mean really?

Is using the toilet so devoid of excitement that you can’t do it without some form of entertainment?

Are you just so concerned that you might miss some oh-so-important Facebook status update, that you can’t possibly put your phone away?

Is getting a new high score on Candy Crush just that critical that it can’t wait until you’re not on the bowl?

Okay, okay. Sure you can play a game of Solitaire, or read email or surf the net while you’re voiding your bowels – what else are you going to do?

But what happens next?

Huh? Nasty boy?

I’ll tell you.

You put the phone down. Wipe you ass or vajajay. Pick your phone up. Leave the toilet.

Maybe you wash your hands.

More often than not, you don’t (because you’re a nasty muthafucker).

But even if you do, trace amounts of your fecal matter, and a lil bit of pee, is leaving the bathroom with you – on your phone.

And you’re probably handling your shitty phone to coworkers and friends, having them scroll through baby pictures, watch your ice bucket challenge or type in their phone number into your contacts.

And now, they’re contaminated.

Thanks, you cretin.

It’s not bad enough that Ebola is ravaging Africa, you’ve got to add your filthy two-cents, spreading cholera.

And why? All because you text while you shit.

So do us all a favor, when you go to the commode, leave your phone at your desk.

And if you must take it with you, keep some disinfecting wipes handy.

Or better yet, just stop being nasty.


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5 responses to “Posting on the John. Your status update can wait you nasty bastard.

  1. Funny and so scarily true! I had to take a food safety class last week, and the instructor showed us all the diseases that grow on cell phones. He told us never borrow a phone from anyone because you don’t know where that phone has been. Ever since, I have been paranoid about letting my kids borrow my phone to play Angry Birds. I see what they do with their toys.


  2. Stacey I.

    This is the funniest flipping thing I have read in a long while. So true. For a germophobe like myself, when a guy offers me his phone to see a pic, all I can think about is the pee, fecal matter and probable giz I am inevitably handling. So so gross. Masterfully written, my friend!


  3. Somebody had to say it! And for that, I applaud you. I’ve been thinking of this same concern for the past year or so. It’s just plain unsanitary to shake a fellas hand these days. Because even if he’s done his due diligence of bathroom cleanliness – what other nasty habits does he have that he doesn’t care about? Do I want your pooh on my hand? No thanks! Being a college student I’ve seen a crazy amount of people do some really nasty things. How are more people not dead from bacterial infections alone? It’s gotten to the point to where I wash my hands a bajillion times a day. Before AND after the visit to the loo.. and that’s still not enough. That liquid bottle on my desk is for my health.. not yours.


  4. If this was written in response to the shame of the day I posted, then wow. If not (which is far more likely) I guess this is a bigger issue than I thought.


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