Tag Archives: Cupertino

The iPhone 6 got me so excited I peed myself.

To pee or not to pee

It’s true.

I know I usually title my posts with outrageous statements sometimes, in an effort to distinguish myself from the blogging fray.

But a trace amount of urine actually escaped my urethra as I waited excitedly for the start of Apple’s September 8th announcements.

To be precise, I didn’t exactly pee on myself.

I was trying to hold in my pee.

It was a matter of not missing the live stream or relieving myself.

Ultimately, my desire to avoid soiling myself further won out and I was able to dry the small spot of wetness on my trousers with the hand dryer.

I kid. I kid.

But I (like millions of other fanboys and girls) watched as Apple announced the iPhone 6, 6 Plus and Apple Watch.

If you’re an Android user, technologically daft or live under a rock, and Apple products don’t give you a rise in your nether regions, stop reading now.

If however, new Apple products give you wood, cause spontaneous orgasm or premature ejaculation, read on.

I can’t front, I’ve been jealous of all those Android users with their tv phones.

When the GS3, the Note, the S5, and all those large form Android Phablets came out, I was green with envy.

While I can’t stand the “commonness” of Android devices or the randomness of features which are on certain phones and absent from others, I do dig how much content you can consume on their large(r) screens.

Of course, I was happy when the 5 dropped and we gained those 100 or so extra pixels at the bottom of the screen, but the 5/5s was still kinda wack, when compared with the Android tv phones.

And ‘yes’, I mocked Android users as they pulled out their massive screens from their suitcases pockets.

Sure, I maligned them for lugging around phones larger than their heads.

But I was really just masking my pain.

I wanted a massive tv phone to lug around too.

But one made by Apple, with a reliable OS that I trusted.

Not some open source foolishness cobbled together by sweaty geeks huddled together in a cave.

If I was going to lug around a tv phone in my pocket, it was going to be a sleek, elegant, uber thin Apple tv phone.

My every commute was filled with angst, as the Android horde pulled out their tv phones, watching House of Cards, or True Blood, 30 Rock or Amy Schumer on crystal clear HD screens, and I pulled out my monocle to read on my not-a-tv-phone iPhone 5s.

Sure, I had the latest and greatest Apple had to offer, and I was happy with it.

But I often found myself unconsciously peering over the shoulders of Android users, giggling at their screens, before catching (and cursing) myself for the lapse.

As much as I despised Android, the lure of their large screens was hard to resist.

Why didn’t Apple make such a glorious device?

WHY!!!!???

But like Zeus’ mighty lightning bolts forged by the Cyclops, Apple has forged not one, but two mighty iPhones to beat back the savages.

With the arrival of the large form phones, Apple is squarely in competition with Android.

Soon, I will be the one envied by the Android horde, as I unsheath my iPhone 6 Plus (you know I’m going large – and it’s not to mask any inadequacies!)

No longer will I be looking over shoulders, staring at the screens of savages.

They shall spy on me!

I’m sorry, was I frothing at the mouth just now?

Anywho…

Now, I’d love to give you my hands on review of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus.

But, alas, my invite from Cupertino must have been lost in the mail (umm, Apple, get your mail room in order).

So, rather than regurgitate someone else’s hands on assessment of the wonders of Apple’s latest devices, check Mashable, whose write ups and videos are pretty good.

In fact, they’ve got a really good side-by-side comparison between Apple and the others.

Not to worry.

I’ll have the 6 Plus as soon as it’s released, and you’ll have my hands-on assessment straight from the source.

Until then, I’ll be wearing diapers.

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Filed under iPhone, mobile

Despite the slight, I shall still cover Apple’s March 7 press announcement.

Yeah. We're talking to YOU, Stephen Chukumba. You're not invited to our press release. Get it? Got it? Good!

Last week, Apple sent out press invitations for members of the press corps to attend their March 7th press announcement.

I know my seven loyal readers will be shocked when they hear this, but brace yourselves…here goes…

I didn’t get an invitation.

I know, I know.

How could this happen?

I don’t know.

I’ve been asking myself that very question, and I’m still drawing a blank.

I mean, I waited patiently by my mailbox for days.

No invitation.

I thought that perhaps it was delivered to the wrong address.

So I knocked on my neighbors’ doors asking if they had inadvertently received anything with a 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino, California return address.

Nothing.

Then I thought, they may have sent my invitation in another format.

Was it sent by email?

Nope.

Perhaps it was buried in the spam folder?

Nyet.

Did they send a carrier pigeon?

Nada.

Was Apple trying to reach me via smoke signal?

No Kimosabe.

I’m at a complete loss.

I find it unacceptable that someone of MY stature (with at least eleven readers – that I know of) has yet to receive an invitation.

But you know what?

It’s okay.

Ever since Steve passed, things have been in a bit of disarray.

While I won’t be able to transmit the highs and lows of Apple’s highly anticipated announcements live and direct, I will still provide some (time-delayed) insight to the goings-ons over there tomorrow.

To be honest, I’m really only interested in the announcement as it relates to the iPad 3.

What features are real?

Which are hype?

What will it look like?

When will it actually drop?

Enough with the rumors!

No more supposition!

The people want the truth!

I want the truth!

We’ll forgive Apple’s faux pas, this time.

But next time, I don’t know if I can be so forgiving.

Apple press corps people, listen up!

The next time there’s a press announcement…I want an invitation!

My fifteen readers will be forever grateful!

Please?

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Filed under iPad, opinion, rant, Smack talking, technology