Tag Archives: driving

Don’t f*#k!ng text and drive!!

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Anyone who knows me knows that people who can’t drive is one of my biggest pet peeves.

If you’re just a bad driver, by no fault of your own, I despise you still, but I tolerate you on the road.

But if you’re actively engaged in behavior that diminishes your driving capacity, I struggle with my road rage to restrain myself from forcing you off the road and pummeling you with my size thirteens.

Why all this hostility, you ask?

I was heading into the city from Jersey on Route 280, when I happened upon this Zipcar, a grey, weaving Toyota Corolla.

Dude was in the left lane, the fast lane, intermittently stepping on his brakes, when no braking hazard existed.

Despite the fact that there were no cars ahead of him, he was driving like an absolute ninny, and refused to either speed up or cede the lane (to the growing line of cars behind him).

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have gotten around him, but the traffic in the right lane was equally anemic, so I was trapped.

Mind you, for like 3 or 4 miles, this dude was weaving, braking, and generally causing me to curse his very existence.

When the opportunity to pass this fool (on the right) presented itself, I floored it, pulling astride him to deliver my fiercest what-the-f*ck-is-up-with-you glare.

Imagine how much angrier I was, when I realized that dude was TEXTING on his phone!

His head was down, and he was furiously typing with his right hand, while steering with his left.

As his head was down, my fierce what-the-f*ck-is-up-with-you glare was totally wasted on him, and I sped off angrily, wondering how many other drivers this dude was going to frustrate before getting to his destination.

From the amount of time I spent behind this jerk, he must have been carrying on a complete conversation via text.

If dude really had to send off a text that badly, he could have simply pulled over, tapped out his little message, and saved us (or at least me) unneeded aggravation.

But noooo, he had to get me all riled up!

Now look at what he made me go do!

I already ranted about bad drivers before!

Anyway, I feel much better now, and that moron lives to text and drive another day.

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Filed under mobile, rant

Stay in your lane (aka muth*f*cka you can’t drive)!

I wish I could wrap my Jeep with this message.

I originally wanted to title this post ‘The Zen of Driving.’

But since I’m constantly cussin’ behind the wheel, and have yet to achieve vehicular Nirvana, I would be a tad disingenuous to be giving advice on finding one-ness when driving.

So instead, I’m going to rant. Surprise, surprise.

I consider myself to be a good driver.

Although I’ve received numerous tickets throughout my driving career for various driving infractions, I’ve only been in one accident that I caused (hit a slick of ice and spun out of control).

My only victim to date was an unsuspecting telephone pole.

But I’ve been rear-ended, side-swiped and on the far-too-close end of multiple near death driving experiences, that I simply have to testify.

Like last Saturday driving my son to a birthday party when I was nearly run off the road by a moron turning into my lane as if I wasn’t even there!

But I digress.

To put it simply, muthaf*ckas can’t drive.

To wit:

If you’re doing 50 in the left lane and folks are passing you on the right, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you’re doing 50 in the left lane and I roll up on you, and you fail to cede the lane, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you’ve got your turn signal on for a half mile, but fail to make a turn in that direction, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you straddle two lanes when you drive, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you talk on the phone (not hands free), eat, drink, apply make up or (insert inappropriate activity while driving here), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you make a right hand turn from the left lane (or a left hand turn from the right lane), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you back out of a driveway without yielding to oncoming traffic, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you drive like Mr. Magoo or Asians (sorry Asians, but you ALL drive like Mr. Magoo), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you drive down a residential street like you’re in the Indy 500 (or down the highway like you’re on a residential street), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you weave through traffic like some sort of nut trying to avoid the police, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you fail to go around a car turning left when you have ample room to pass on the right, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

I’m getting hot, and I’m not even behind the wheel right now, so I’m signing off.

But if you’re reading this while you’re driving…

MUTHAF*CKA YOU CAN’T DRIVE!

Note: Please feel free to share your own driving pet peeves.

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Filed under Smack talking

Acting like a dandy will make you late.

I had to drive into the city Wednesday night to attend a function with one of my agency’s clients.

The function was scheduled to start at 6:30 pm, and although it was a Black function, CPT did not apply, as it was being hosted by Republicans.

I was a tad ‘dandy’ getting dressed (dandy=picky and fastidious) and as a result, got a late start.

I am a dandy. Look at how I stand.

I had fully intended to leave at 5:30, giving myself a full hour to travel the 19 miles from my house to my destination.

Without traffic, the trip would have taken 29 minutes.

Accounting for traffic, I figured would add 30 minutes to my trip, so the hour I had set aside would have been sufficient.

But I was walking out of my house at 5:51. Geeeeezzzzzzuuuuussssss!

I’ll just have to put the pedal to the metal. I can get there in 39 minutes.

I jumped into my jeep and it was smooth sailing.

Hit 280 East, jumped on the Turnpike to the Lincoln Tunnel exit and it was all good…that is until I hit 495, and everything slowed to a crawl.

6:08. I can make it into the city in 21 minutes.

6:13. I’d traveled all of a few hundred feet. I’ve still got 18 minutes. I can make it.

6:18. Five car lengths in five minutes? Will you people f*cking drive your cars! I think I can make it.

6:24. I’m a good half mile from the entrance to the tunnel and all I see are brake lights. There’s no way I’m going to make it.

6:30. The source of the snail’s crawl, an accident between a tour bus and a Nissan, take up two of lanes of traffic leading into the tunnel. It looks like there’s no traffic after the accident! Maybe I won’t be that late after all.

6:35. I can finally see the tubes leading to the tunnel, jam packed with chumpish drivers trying to funnel their way down into two lanes. Drive with purpose people! With purpose!

6:49. I enter the Lincoln Tunnel. You people suck!

7:01  I finally get to my destination after being informed that my parking will cost $50 because it’s ‘oversized.’ NY parking garages suck.

Luckily my client hasn’t gone on yet, and the function is just getting started. Yay for CPT time!

Today’s lesson, in prose:

Being a dandy, on someone else’s dime, will make you late, every time.

To be punctual, I’ll give you the skinny. Leave early. The road’s full o’ ninnies.

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Filed under Smack talking