Tag Archives: iPhone 5s

The iPhone 6 got me so excited I peed myself.

To pee or not to pee

It’s true.

I know I usually title my posts with outrageous statements sometimes, in an effort to distinguish myself from the blogging fray.

But a trace amount of urine actually escaped my urethra as I waited excitedly for the start of Apple’s September 8th announcements.

To be precise, I didn’t exactly pee on myself.

I was trying to hold in my pee.

It was a matter of not missing the live stream or relieving myself.

Ultimately, my desire to avoid soiling myself further won out and I was able to dry the small spot of wetness on my trousers with the hand dryer.

I kid. I kid.

But I (like millions of other fanboys and girls) watched as Apple announced the iPhone 6, 6 Plus and Apple Watch.

If you’re an Android user, technologically daft or live under a rock, and Apple products don’t give you a rise in your nether regions, stop reading now.

If however, new Apple products give you wood, cause spontaneous orgasm or premature ejaculation, read on.

I can’t front, I’ve been jealous of all those Android users with their tv phones.

When the GS3, the Note, the S5, and all those large form Android Phablets came out, I was green with envy.

While I can’t stand the “commonness” of Android devices or the randomness of features which are on certain phones and absent from others, I do dig how much content you can consume on their large(r) screens.

Of course, I was happy when the 5 dropped and we gained those 100 or so extra pixels at the bottom of the screen, but the 5/5s was still kinda wack, when compared with the Android tv phones.

And ‘yes’, I mocked Android users as they pulled out their massive screens from their suitcases pockets.

Sure, I maligned them for lugging around phones larger than their heads.

But I was really just masking my pain.

I wanted a massive tv phone to lug around too.

But one made by Apple, with a reliable OS that I trusted.

Not some open source foolishness cobbled together by sweaty geeks huddled together in a cave.

If I was going to lug around a tv phone in my pocket, it was going to be a sleek, elegant, uber thin Apple tv phone.

My every commute was filled with angst, as the Android horde pulled out their tv phones, watching House of Cards, or True Blood, 30 Rock or Amy Schumer on crystal clear HD screens, and I pulled out my monocle to read on my not-a-tv-phone iPhone 5s.

Sure, I had the latest and greatest Apple had to offer, and I was happy with it.

But I often found myself unconsciously peering over the shoulders of Android users, giggling at their screens, before catching (and cursing) myself for the lapse.

As much as I despised Android, the lure of their large screens was hard to resist.

Why didn’t Apple make such a glorious device?

WHY!!!!???

But like Zeus’ mighty lightning bolts forged by the Cyclops, Apple has forged not one, but two mighty iPhones to beat back the savages.

With the arrival of the large form phones, Apple is squarely in competition with Android.

Soon, I will be the one envied by the Android horde, as I unsheath my iPhone 6 Plus (you know I’m going large – and it’s not to mask any inadequacies!)

No longer will I be looking over shoulders, staring at the screens of savages.

They shall spy on me!

I’m sorry, was I frothing at the mouth just now?

Anywho…

Now, I’d love to give you my hands on review of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus.

But, alas, my invite from Cupertino must have been lost in the mail (umm, Apple, get your mail room in order).

So, rather than regurgitate someone else’s hands on assessment of the wonders of Apple’s latest devices, check Mashable, whose write ups and videos are pretty good.

In fact, they’ve got a really good side-by-side comparison between Apple and the others.

Not to worry.

I’ll have the 6 Plus as soon as it’s released, and you’ll have my hands-on assessment straight from the source.

Until then, I’ll be wearing diapers.

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Why the rumored iPhone 6 gives me wood.

Concept art courtesy of Minyanville.com

Concept art courtesy of Minyanville.com

I’m a sucker for anything Apple.

It’s true.

I readily admit I’m a fanboy.

Mind you, I’ll still hate on some crappy Apple shit (i.e. “flat design” of iOS 7).

But my first reaction upon hearing about some new Apple this-or-that is usually one of unbridled enthusiasm.

It should come as no surprise then, that my heart palpitations started when I heard the latest Apple rumors.

What Apple rumors?

The iPhone 6, of course.

That’s right.

Let it sink in.

iPhone. 6.

The Chinese are simply the worst at keeping secrets, and as a result, we’ve been privy to all Apple’s so-called secret developments for years.

Think about it, which iPhone release haven’t we known about well in advance?

9 times out of 10, when images of prototypes, spec sizes and talk of technology acquisition rumors start swirling about, and the source of these rumors is Chinese, you best believe it’s true.

Its no wonder, then, that folks are posting up their theories of what the latest iPhone will or will not be, with unmitigated zeal and images to back it up.

You’ve got pictures of the casing? Really? C’mon China!

Your’s truly is no different.

Like I said, I’m an Apple whore.

Anywho, with the iPhone 6, Apple will supposedly go where no iPhone has gone before: the land of the phablet.

If the rumors and prototype photographs are to be believed, Apple is working on the next generation of iPhone, that will be bigger, stronger (as in more durable) and faster than anything they’ve ever created.

When I say bigger, Apple wags speculate the screen will be somewhere between 4.7 (the current size of the 5s) and 7.9 inches (the size of the iPad Mini).

Size comparison chart courtesy of MacRumors.com

Size comparison chart courtesy of MacRumors.com

Whoa.

Screens that size will put Apple directly up against it’s Galaxy and HTC rivals, which have already dropped large screen phones on the market.

The claims that Apple will be introducing a more shatter-resistant screen lifts many a heart.

We’ve all witnessed (or experienced) the spiderweb cracks with Gorilla Glass.

Lord knows you’ve got to protect the screen like it’s an eggshell or risk slicing your fingers on an intricate lattice of cracks.

Apple’s acquisition of sapphire technology, points to a desire to make the next generation phones more durable.

As usual, there are claims that the next iPhone will last longer than it’s predecessors.

Even with the new lightning charger, the iPhone 5s’ battery dies notoriously quickly.

The next generation’s quad-core A8 or an evolved A7 should mean more power, better energy conservation and a longer battery life.

Other tantalizing rumors for the iPhone 6 include an improved camera (or at least enhanced capabilities), a thinner profile, wireless charging, and an updated OS (iOS 8).

I could go on ad nausaem, but I shan’t bore you.

MacRumors and TechRadar.com (among others) do a far better job detailing the minutiae, and I’m more of a broad strokes sort of fellow, ya know?

In any instance, I’ll be keeping an eye out for more information and sneak peeks of the device as the Fall (?) 2014 release date approaches.

And if you see me in the streets, and notice a slight bulge in my nether region, “no” I am not happy to see you.

I’m probably reading another article about the iPhone 6.

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iOS 7 is the most unstable, unreliable OS ever. #iOS7sucksballs

The white screen of death.

The white screen of death.

Yeah, I said it.

iOS 7 is unquestionably the most unstable, unreliable, defect ridden OS (operating system) that Apple has ever released.

I wish I were simply going for dramatic effect, as I am prone to do.

But I’m not.

Unfortunately (for Apple and Apple users) I’m serious.

Since I’ve had the iPhone 5s, which came preloaded with this garbage, and since I stepped up to iOS 7 on my iPad 2, I’ve experience more crashes than I care to mention.

Even though I’ve meticulously kept up with all updates, my devices seem to crash frequently.

I’m rocking 7.0.4, but I might as well be on a Windows phone for the frequency with which I find myself staring at the white screen of death.

It got so bad that I started keeping a crash log detailing the dates, times and activities I was engaged in.

To date, I’ve recorded several (although I’ve experience many more), to wit:

  • 11/24 @ 7:03 pm Facebook app crashed on iPhone
  • 11/26 @ 11:37 am Chat crashed on iPad
  • 11/26 @ 7:59 am Kindle app crashed (switching between Kindle and Chat)
  • 12/13 @ 6:16 pm MyTix app crashed on iPhone
  • 1/2 @ 10:48 am iTunes crashed on iPhone

I was just going to record these crashes for internal use with my team, but as I was tapping out a post in WordPress on my iPad, it crashed.

When I opened OmniFocus on my iPhone to add it to my crash log, the iPhone crashed too.

Back to back crashes on two different devices within seconds of each other.

I can’t make this shit up.

I was hot.

I started to post a tirade, blasting Apple’s latest OS as a drug-induced, hippie-hued useless waste of time.

But cooler heads prevailed, and I paused.

What would that get me (aside from jeers, cheers and a round of applause from jaded Android uses)?

Instead, I’ve decided to do an informal survey, asking folks about their experiences with iOS 7 to see if my experience is anomalous or par for the course.

I’m posing the following questions to Apple users and will post the results of my survey in a subsequent post.





Remember to click “Vote” after each question to have your answer tallied.

Your opinion matters, so please take the time to complete the poll, comment here, on Facebook or wherever you encounter this post/poll.

If you don’t answer the poll here, you can tag your responses with the hashtag #ios7sucksballs to be included in the survey.

My blog is so popular that WordPress will likely crash from the overwhelming traffic, so if you re trying to leave a comment with your responses, but are unable to do so due to system constraints, please try again later.

Now I don’t want to be a complaining complainatron, so here’s a link to an article from Digital Trends, with solutions to some of the more common problems with iOS 7.

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Battle of the Blah: Streaming Pandora, Live 365, Spotify or iTunes Radio sucks

Streaming iTunes Radio is like Chinese Water Torture.

Streaming iTunes Radio is like Chinese Water Torture.

Recently I’ve been listening to a lot of music on streaming services.

Ever since I was banned from using my personal computer at the job, I’ve had to rely on other means for getting my music fix on.

You see, I have a massive sizeable music library, far too big for an iPod or portable music player.

And as I am loathe to allocate precious memory space on my phone to music, I’ve had to rely on alternate means to soothe my inner savage beast.

Back in the day, I used to rock Pandora hard.

I made a few stations based on artists I liked and was content for a hot second.

But when I realized that was listening to the same 15-20 songs over and over again, it quickly lost is luster.

Then there was last.fm.

Same difference as Pandora – except you could scrobble.

Someone suggested 365 Live as an alternative, and for a while I was content.

I’d primarily listen to their Classical or Jazz stations, and every once in a while stray to their Reggae offering (mistake).

I came across Spotify one day, and decided to give it a try.

In addition to their genres, you could create your own playlist or listen to radio stations built around artists or songs you like.

The problem with Spotify, aside from the annoying ads every three songs, is the repetitious nature of its playlists.

If you listen for more than an hour or to the same station multiple times, invariably you’re going to hear the same songs over and over again.

Now there’s one thing I don’t understand, each of these services claims to have millions of songs, but all of them suffer from repetition.

They all have ads (in the free versions) that pop up more frequently than terrestrial radio, and although they don’t last nearly as long, they’re annoying nonetheless.

For all that, I might as well simply listen to the actual radio.

At least then I’m under no delusion that I’ll experience variety.

But a few weeks ago, after I got my iPhone 5s, I noticed something new in iTunes.

Radio.

Do my eyes deceive me?

I don’t remember iTunes having a radio.

Scanning my memory banks, I did recall some mention of iTunes Radio at the WWDC.

But it was buried in the iOS 7 hoopla, and quickly faded from memory.

Having discovered the radio button in my dock, I decided to give it a go, and quickly created several stations.

The good thing about iTunes Radio is the absence of a learning curve.

Hit any one of the preset stations and you’re off.

Making a new station is as simple as pressing a “+” button and typing in the name of the artist or song you want to create a station around.

iTunes Radio does the rest.

Initially, I was pleased.

iTunes Radio seemed robust and the music was varied and (at first blush) non-repetitious.

But then it happened.

The commercials.

The repetition.

The random song unrelated to the artist or genre I had selected.

Worse than that though, was the spotty service.

Streaming iTunes Radio seemed to be worse than the other streaming services I used.

Now, to be fair, all streaming services suffer from some defect in playback.

But iTunes Radio seems to drop at an inordinately higher rate than Spotify, Pandora, Live365 or last.fm.

Waiting for iTunes Radio to connect (or reconnect as was often the case) was like Chinese Water Torture.

The anticipation was unbearable, especially when you were in the groove.

Despite my initial enthusiasm, iTunes Radio was no better than the rest.

It does provide you with the ability to purchase songs you hear on the fly, but so what?!

In the final analysis, streaming music apps are often more trouble than they’re worth.

I resign myself to the fact that I just have to devote some of my device’s precious memory to storing music.

Because streaming is for the birds!

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iPhone 5s. The “s” stands for sucka.

iPhone 5 sucker

Apple is notorious for making us want things we don’t need.

Think about it.

A few weeks ago, they dropped the kaliedascope 5c and the FBI-inspired 5s with fingerprint recognition.

And who bought those phones?

Were they iPhone newbies eager to own their first iPhone?

No.

Invariably, they were iPhone veterans stepping up to the latest and greatest.

Although if you copped the 5c you were actually stepping down.

I digress.

Folks who stood in the long lines or pre-ordered a new iPhone probably had nothing wrong with their current devices.

The only thing wrong, was that a new iPhone had just dropped.

More likely than not, they were salivating over all the features the 5s had to offer, and looked upon their current phones with disgust.

Why can’t you be more like the 5s?

But if they were already on the 5, which countless millions were, the 5c and 5s were nothing more than Apple’s oft-rehearsed slight of hand.

A shell game as it were.

Seriously, how many times have they run this play?

Get us all hot and heavy for the latest iPhone.

Queue us up like lambs to the slaughter, waiting in long lines to pay a pound of flesh for our shiny new bauble.

Let us bask in its shiny newness for a hot minute.

Only to drop a better, shinier, more feature-filled device immediately thereafter.

And the cycle begins anew.

Why do we fall for it?

Are we stupid?

Is obsolescence that quick?

Do their upgraded devices simply work so well that we can’t live without them?

Or is Apple’s marketing that persuasive?

I’m going to go with “Apple knows a mark when they see one.”

That’s right.

We’re all a bunch of hopeless marks.

Seriously.

What is the 5s anyway?

A new OS?

No. They released iOS 7 and you didn’t need a new phone to get it.

A new shape?

Nope. It’s the same body shape as the current 5. Buttons, ports, everything’s in the same place.

Fingerprint recognition?

Not likely, since it’s universally acknowledged that its the most nonsecure method of protecting your device.

I can’t imagine that we’re falling over ourselves to cop a new phone for that useless feature.

The “gold” back plate and accents?

Nah. Sure that little gold “O” around the home button is kinda sexy, but not everyone likes gold or could get that limited edition.

And the vanity factor is quickly eliminated once you drop it in a protective sleeve (like I do).

So what Made Apple so sure of themselves?

One little letter: “s.”

Adding an “s” to any of their phones makes us crazy.

Think about it.

3gs. 4s. 5s.

Every time they released an “s” phone, cats queued up.

We didn’t know that that effin’ “s” meant, but we knew we had to have it.

It’s got an “s” in it’s name, damn it! Get out of my way!

While some surmise that the S stood for Siri, Apple’s voice assistant, that theory fails to pass muster when other iOS devices also have Siri – and no “s”.

Others suggest that the “s” could stand for “special” or “super” or even “speed.”

No. No. No.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

It took me months of clandestine research, bribes and subterfuge to uncover this information.

“S” is a highly classified designation at Apple.

It applies to a select subset of products.

Ready?

The “s” stands for “sucka.”

Which is what you are for falling for Apple’s little tricks time and time again.

Present company included.

Damn you Apple!

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My week with the iPhone 5s and iOS 7 in one word: Boooooo!

20131004-080621.jpg

Last Friday I got the 5s.

Rather the job got me the 5s.

A gold one.

One of the benefits of working in tech.

Anyway, with the 5s, I’ve been able to check out two things.

iOS 7 and the latest iPhone.

Since my phones are always jailbroken, I hadn’t updated the operating system on my former iPhone 5, so I wasn’t really up on iOS 7 quite yet.

Even though I played with a few of the devices in the office that we updated to iOS 7, I wasn’t in a position to critique it fully, as I wasn’t rocking it day to day.

But with my new phone, with iOS 7 baked in from the door, I had no excuses.

So since Friday, I’ve been all 5s and iOS 7.

What do I think?

Underwhelmed is the first word that comes to mind.

There were no great leaps from the 5 to the 5s.

Yeah, it’s gold-ish and has a cute ring around the home button, and that fingerprint authentication is interesting (= totally unsecure).

But considering that Apple is known for coming up with dope shit, this falls well below the standard I’ve come to expect.

From the moment I took it out of the box, I’ve been waiting for that “Aha!” moment, when I could actually see what all the fuss with iOS 7 was about.

Almost a week later and I’m still waiting…

A month ago, when I reviewed iOS 7’s features, I was genuinely intrigued.

Jony Ives’ LSD inspired color palette redesign (which I’m not particularly fond of) aside, it looked like Apple was really trying to get back to their core – innovation.

Although all the updates looked very Android-esque, I was willing to reserve judgment until I held (and rocked out with) the genuine article.

Now that I have, I can’t help but feel gipped.

Why? You ask?

Well, it’s simple.

The new stuff isn’t really new.

I mean it is new.

There is a new color scheme, new icons, new gesture-based commands, new buttons, new transitions and new ways to access and remove apps running in the background, but none of this is anything to write home about.

So yeah, there are new things in it, but I was expecting more.

Is it just me?

Do I expect too much?

But seriously, some of the changes they’ve made are just annoying.

Safari? Boooo!

Can I just get to the browser bar? Please?

What’s with the unnecessary steps just to input a URL or search query?

Quitting apps running in the background? Boooo!

Why does it seem like there are more screens than icons?

And why is it all loosey goosey?

And what’s with all this zoom in zoom out stuff?

Apple, your transitions are giving me vertigomotion sickness.

Chill with all the unnecessary animation!

Things used to be so simple.

Mind you, this is not to say that there aren’t features in iOS 7 that I like.

There are.

For example, where you used to be able to swipe to the right from the home screen or click the home button to access search, you can now simply swipe down in the center of any screen.

See? That’s something right?

But there are more things I don’t like, than I do.

What can I say?

I’m a critic.

All jokes aside, one thing that I can say I am unequivocally NOT fond of, is the number of times iOS 7 has crashed.

It is by far, the most unstable OS release to date.

I can count on three fingers the number of times I’ve had my iPhones (plural) crash in the past.

But I’ve had the same number in less than one week.

I wish I could say that these crashes occurred when I was doing something exotic, like trying to jailbreak my phone.

But no. In the course of ordinary use, the joint will just fail.

I’d heard grumbling a of iOS 7’s instability, and I’m not one to take naysayers at their word (being one myself).

But this joint WILL crash on your ass.

There. I’ve said it.

All in all, the iPhone 5s gold, is cute.

The vanity of the the upgrade was enough for me – especially on a company dime.

And the updates are enough to satisfy the undiscerning masses.

So you’ll probably be impressed.

But not ole Stephen Chukumba.

You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to impress me.

And Apple clearly overslept with this.

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