It’s true.
I know I usually title my posts with outrageous statements sometimes, in an effort to distinguish myself from the blogging fray.
But a trace amount of urine actually escaped my urethra as I waited excitedly for the start of Apple’s September 8th announcements.
To be precise, I didn’t exactly pee on myself.
I was trying to hold in my pee.
It was a matter of not missing the live stream or relieving myself.
Ultimately, my desire to avoid soiling myself further won out and I was able to dry the small spot of wetness on my trousers with the hand dryer.
I kid. I kid.
But I (like millions of other fanboys and girls) watched as Apple announced the iPhone 6, 6 Plus and Apple Watch.
If you’re an Android user, technologically daft or live under a rock, and Apple products don’t give you a rise in your nether regions, stop reading now.
If however, new Apple products give you wood, cause spontaneous orgasm or premature ejaculation, read on.
I can’t front, I’ve been jealous of all those Android users with their tv phones.
When the GS3, the Note, the S5, and all those large form Android Phablets came out, I was green with envy.
While I can’t stand the “commonness” of Android devices or the randomness of features which are on certain phones and absent from others, I do dig how much content you can consume on their large(r) screens.
Of course, I was happy when the 5 dropped and we gained those 100 or so extra pixels at the bottom of the screen, but the 5/5s was still kinda wack, when compared with the Android tv phones.
And ‘yes’, I mocked Android users as they pulled out their massive screens from their suitcases pockets.
Sure, I maligned them for lugging around phones larger than their heads.
But I was really just masking my pain.
I wanted a massive tv phone to lug around too.
But one made by Apple, with a reliable OS that I trusted.
Not some open source foolishness cobbled together by sweaty geeks huddled together in a cave.
If I was going to lug around a tv phone in my pocket, it was going to be a sleek, elegant, uber thin Apple tv phone.
My every commute was filled with angst, as the Android horde pulled out their tv phones, watching House of Cards, or True Blood, 30 Rock or Amy Schumer on crystal clear HD screens, and I pulled out my monocle to read on my not-a-tv-phone iPhone 5s.
Sure, I had the latest and greatest Apple had to offer, and I was happy with it.
But I often found myself unconsciously peering over the shoulders of Android users, giggling at their screens, before catching (and cursing) myself for the lapse.
As much as I despised Android, the lure of their large screens was hard to resist.
Why didn’t Apple make such a glorious device?
WHY!!!!???
But like Zeus’ mighty lightning bolts forged by the Cyclops, Apple has forged not one, but two mighty iPhones to beat back the savages.
With the arrival of the large form phones, Apple is squarely in competition with Android.
Soon, I will be the one envied by the Android horde, as I unsheath my iPhone 6 Plus (you know I’m going large – and it’s not to mask any inadequacies!)
No longer will I be looking over shoulders, staring at the screens of savages.
They shall spy on me!
I’m sorry, was I frothing at the mouth just now?
Anywho…
Now, I’d love to give you my hands on review of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus.
But, alas, my invite from Cupertino must have been lost in the mail (umm, Apple, get your mail room in order).
So, rather than regurgitate someone else’s hands on assessment of the wonders of Apple’s latest devices, check Mashable, whose write ups and videos are pretty good.
In fact, they’ve got a really good side-by-side comparison between Apple and the others.
Not to worry.
I’ll have the 6 Plus as soon as it’s released, and you’ll have my hands-on assessment straight from the source.
Until then, I’ll be wearing diapers.
Stephen Chukumba 