Tag Archives: keynote

I will turn tricks for an iPad Air.


A few days ago Apple hosted one of its infamous announcements.

Once again, I received no invitation to the event announcing their upcoming releases.

So I made it a point not to let them benefit from my considerable digital footprint by mentioning anything about Apple on Wednesday.

But I did check in (online).

Of all the things Apple announced, one item caught my attention: the iPad Air.

First, there was the iPad, which revolutionized tablets. Sure it had its flaws, but it was dope nonetheless.

Then came the iPad 2, a massive leap forward from its heavier, clunkier, camera-deprived predecessor.

On the heels of the iPad 2, came the iPad 3 and the oddly named “New iPad” (a/k/a the iPad 4), which have both been subsequently discontinued.

As well as the iPad Mini.

On Wednesday, Apple unveiled the newest member of the iPad family and all I can say is: I want it.

It’s terrible, I know.

I, of all people, should be able to resist the lure of a new Apple product.

But you know what? I can’t.

And you know why? Because the new iPad is awesome!

Why is it awesome?

Well I’ll tell you.

For one, its lighter. Now I’m not a bitch and I work out rather frequently. So it’s not like carrying around my iPad is physically taxing.

But lighter is lighter, and as strong as I may be, I’m always appreciative when device manufacturers lighten my load.

Next, it’s faster. For the recreational user who is all Scrabble-with-Friends and Angry Birds, Apple’s 64 bit A7 chip probably doesn’t mean much. But to anyone into motion and graphics, the new architecture means faster CPU and graphics performance.

I’m no heavy filmmaker or photographer, so the processing power of the latest iPad is somewhat lost on me. But I still appreciate knowing that all that power resides under the hood if I need it.

Now if you’re on the go all the time, like I am, then this feature alone is worth the upgrade: two antennas.

There is nothing worse that weak wifi or cellular signal strength. The iPad Air should be able to keep you connected if you’re near anything broadcasting a wireless or cellular signal.

The improved 5-megapixel iSight camera will let you shoot in 1080p and there are also enhancements to the image quality of the FaceTime camera as well.

I’m particularly interested in the smaller overall profile of the iPad Air. I’m curious to see how the smaller bezel, width and weight translate.

The one thing that really excites me about the iPad Air is all the free stuff that comes preloaded with the device. iPhoto, iMovie, GarageBand, Pages, Numbers, and Keynote are free with iPad Air.

If I recall correctly, Apple is giving their iWork and iLife suite of productivity products away free for everyone with a MacBook and iPad device.

All in all, the iPad Air has me all hot and heavy.

To be clear: I am a whore for Apple products. Even though I may not cop every single thing that comes out of Cupertino, I lust hungrily for them nonetheless.

I may play hard-to-get, but we all know I’m Apple’s hoe.

Notwithstanding my hoe-ish inclination, my excitement for the iPad Air is genuine and unrelated to my natural promiscuous nature.

But I will turn a trick or two to get one…

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Filed under iPad

WWDC 2013. iOS 7. Meh.


Yeah. I said “meh.”

What’s it to ya?

WWDC 2013 was much ado about nothing.

And the centerpiece of the keynote-that-wasn’t, was unquestionably iOS 7.

While Apple wants us to believe that the latest iteration of its OS is the next best thing to sliced bread, the rest of us know better.

So effing what they’ve adopted a “flatter” look.

Who the hell cares that they’ve changed the appearance of their icons.

Big deal if you’ll be able to flip through your open applications in a vertical Cover Flow fashion.

As much as I’m loathe to admit it, most of these “innovations” already exist on Android.

Earth to Apple: just because you do something doesn’t make it great.

I mean really?

Swipe a tile to the side to get rid of it?

Side reveal to open apps or menus?

New transitions?




If they announced one more Android standard as a new iOS feature, I was going to puke.

Yeah, I’m going in on iOS 7.

But to be frank, the entire WWDC keynote was a snorelax.

It wasn’t as bad as Google’s I/O 13, but it wasn’t much better.

Apple’s presenters actually appeared to be alive.

Beyond that though, the entire keynote was almost indistinguishable from Google’s in its sheer underwhelmingness.

I know, underwhelmingness is not a word.

But how else to describe an event so totally devoid of life and energy?

There was no punch.

No pop.

No pizzaz.

Especially when you start with a massive demo fail, when Anki Drive’s robotic car failed to….drive.

We all had to suffer through Anki founder, Boris Sofman’s plastic grimace smile as he waited impatiently for the program to reboot.

And things just went downhill from there.

Now to hear Apple tell it, WWDC 2013 was a huge success.

They unveiled all sorts of new features and products.

The Mac Pro, new MacBook Air, blah, blah, blah.

Each new reveal was as lackluster as the last.

Oh, and by the way, just because you say “isn’t it beautiful” over and over again, doesn’t make it so.

I, for one, am totally unenthused by iOS7.

But developers get ready, Jony Ives’ technicolor nightmare is upon us.

They recently published guidelines for developing apps consistent with the iOS 7 guidelines.

From here on in, the apps you create have to comport with this new LSD induced design aesthetic.

And all I can say is meh.


Filed under digital advocacy, iPad, iPhone, mobile, technology

Google I/O 13. Not quite an Apple Keynote, but not far off. I’m lying.

Google IO 2013Today I did the geekiest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life.

What’s that, you ask?

I watched day 1 of the Google I/O 2013 keynote.

On the internet.

That’s right.

I suffered through almost four hours of it.

At first, I thought I was going to be sitting in on an Apple-style keynote.

With all types of interesting announcements and clever quips from engaging Ted-X style speakers.

But as the hours dragged on, I realized that wasn’t going to happen.

Instead I was assailed by one listless speaker after the next.

Where did these people come from, Zombieland?

Google IO backdrop

Don’t get it twisted, I love me some Google products.

But damn!

They could have used some adrenaline over there.

I’m just saying.

Pop a molly. Snort a line. Guzzle a Red Bull!

Do something to liven up!


How hard would it have been to not slouch?

Or not speak  in a monotone?

Or tell a joke that was not completely devoid of timing – or humor?

Abysmal delivery aside, Google went deep into their bag of tricks today.

And made some announcements that had me like “wow!”

Here are a few of the more interesting parts of today’s snorefest.

Google's VP9


VP9 is Google’s open video compression standard that provides high quality video compression at half the bit rate.

Google wants to expand VP9 in mobile web which means faster video load times, but lower data rates for streaming over cellular networks.

Google Pixel Chromebook


Pixel is a touchscreen Chromebook and the first laptop built by Google, which combines easy access to all of Google’s software in a high end (and expensive) machine.

The six thousand attendees of I/O 13 each got one.

Why wasn’t I invited again?

First my invite to Oprah’s Favorite Things show gets lost in the mail and now this.

Google Play in Education

Google Play for Education

Google Play for Education is Google’s answer to Apple’s iTunes U.

Through their partnership with hundreds of educational app developers, Play for Education provides educators with a way of providing educational apps to students en masse.

Another initiative to provide students with Chromebooks, makes the Google Play in Education announcement one of the most aggressive pushes to bridge the technological gap in schools in decades.

Auto Awesome

Auto Awesome is one of a suite of new photo-related enhancements from Google, which turns photographs in GIFs for you.

Other photo-related features can enhance images, create all smiley face photos from a collection where you weren’t able to get everyone to smile in one shot, and collages from groups of related photographs.

All automatically without you having to lift a finger.

Hence “auto”.

I could go on and on about the keynote, but I don’t want to bore you.

I’ll let Google do that themselves.

If you’ve got nothing better to do, and want to watch all 3 hours and 51 minutes of it, click play.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you want a more comprehensive breakdown of the all today’s announcements, without being bored to death, check out Techcrunch, Wired or Gizmodo (who all speak geek far better than I do).

Umm, Google, you guys need to get a ouija board, contact Steve Jobs and get some tips on tricking out a keynote.

Cause that shit was booooorrrinnngggg!


Filed under digital advocacy