Tag Archives: nirvana

Stay in your lane (aka muth*f*cka you can’t drive)!

I wish I could wrap my Jeep with this message.

I originally wanted to title this post ‘The Zen of Driving.’

But since I’m constantly cussin’ behind the wheel, and have yet to achieve vehicular Nirvana, I would be a tad disingenuous to be giving advice on finding one-ness when driving.

So instead, I’m going to rant. Surprise, surprise.

I consider myself to be a good driver.

Although I’ve received numerous tickets throughout my driving career for various driving infractions, I’ve only been in one accident that I caused (hit a slick of ice and spun out of control).

My only victim to date was an unsuspecting telephone pole.

But I’ve been rear-ended, side-swiped and on the far-too-close end of multiple near death driving experiences, that I simply have to testify.

Like last Saturday driving my son to a birthday party when I was nearly run off the road by a moron turning into my lane as if I wasn’t even there!

But I digress.

To put it simply, muthaf*ckas can’t drive.

To wit:

If you’re doing 50 in the left lane and folks are passing you on the right, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you’re doing 50 in the left lane and I roll up on you, and you fail to cede the lane, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you’ve got your turn signal on for a half mile, but fail to make a turn in that direction, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you straddle two lanes when you drive, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you talk on the phone (not hands free), eat, drink, apply make up or (insert inappropriate activity while driving here), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you make a right hand turn from the left lane (or a left hand turn from the right lane), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you back out of a driveway without yielding to oncoming traffic, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you drive like Mr. Magoo or Asians (sorry Asians, but you ALL drive like Mr. Magoo), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you drive down a residential street like you’re in the Indy 500 (or down the highway like you’re on a residential street), muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you weave through traffic like some sort of nut trying to avoid the police, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

If you fail to go around a car turning left when you have ample room to pass on the right, muthaf*cka you can’t drive!

I’m getting hot, and I’m not even behind the wheel right now, so I’m signing off.

But if you’re reading this while you’re driving…

MUTHAF*CKA YOU CAN’T DRIVE!

Note: Please feel free to share your own driving pet peeves.

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