Tag Archives: road rage

Don’t f*#k!ng text and drive!!

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Anyone who knows me knows that people who can’t drive is one of my biggest pet peeves.

If you’re just a bad driver, by no fault of your own, I despise you still, but I tolerate you on the road.

But if you’re actively engaged in behavior that diminishes your driving capacity, I struggle with my road rage to restrain myself from forcing you off the road and pummeling you with my size thirteens.

Why all this hostility, you ask?

I was heading into the city from Jersey on Route 280, when I happened upon this Zipcar, a grey, weaving Toyota Corolla.

Dude was in the left lane, the fast lane, intermittently stepping on his brakes, when no braking hazard existed.

Despite the fact that there were no cars ahead of him, he was driving like an absolute ninny, and refused to either speed up or cede the lane (to the growing line of cars behind him).

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have gotten around him, but the traffic in the right lane was equally anemic, so I was trapped.

Mind you, for like 3 or 4 miles, this dude was weaving, braking, and generally causing me to curse his very existence.

When the opportunity to pass this fool (on the right) presented itself, I floored it, pulling astride him to deliver my fiercest what-the-f*ck-is-up-with-you glare.

Imagine how much angrier I was, when I realized that dude was TEXTING on his phone!

His head was down, and he was furiously typing with his right hand, while steering with his left.

As his head was down, my fierce what-the-f*ck-is-up-with-you glare was totally wasted on him, and I sped off angrily, wondering how many other drivers this dude was going to frustrate before getting to his destination.

From the amount of time I spent behind this jerk, he must have been carrying on a complete conversation via text.

If dude really had to send off a text that badly, he could have simply pulled over, tapped out his little message, and saved us (or at least me) unneeded aggravation.

But noooo, he had to get me all riled up!

Now look at what he made me go do!

I already ranted about bad drivers before!

Anyway, I feel much better now, and that moron lives to text and drive another day.

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Stephen Chukumba says: “Take It Easy, Mon”

By my own admission, I’m an aggressive driver. When I’m behind the wheel, drive correct or stay the f*ck out of my way. It’s really just that simple.

Now I don’t have road rage. I’m not gonna chase you down with my Jeep and run you off the road or anything like that. Whatever anger I may feel towards sh*tty drivers is fleeting and short-lived. It’s usually restrained to a cuss word (or two) and I’m over it.

If you are in the fast lane, and won’t cede the way so that I can pass your slow stupid a*s, then I may cuss you out until I’ve managed to get by you. I might even throw you an ill hatred-filled stare when I can finally pass you, but it goes no further than that.

There is nothing I hate more than folks who don’t know how to share the road with other vehicles. So you can imagine my chagrin when I encountered this old school sky blue Toyota pickup heading in the opposite direction on a two-way street today, and the guy was driving in the center of the road.

Granted, there were cars parked on both sides of the road, but there was still ample space for us to pass each other, unimpeded by parked cars or any other obstruction.

But rather than move over to his side of the road, and let me pass on mine, dude drove the whole way in the center of the road, only moving to his right, when he had cleared the last parked car on his side. And I was pissed at having had to wait for his slow drivin’-miss-daisy-in-a-sky-blue-jalopy ass.

I guess dude could sense my frustration because as we passed each other, the driver in a thick Jamaican accent said (rather casually), ‘Take it easy, mon.’

And you know what? It was really sage advice. I definitely take myself (and my Mario Andretti-like driver persona) waaaaayyyy too seriously. Where am I really going? (At the time, home. So what was the rush?)

I had to laugh (at myself) because I was ready to let a torrent of cussing flow when I got up to dude’s car for being such a sh*tty driver and not properly navigating a two-way street. But dude’s simple words were so disarming, that I was forced to check myself.

It was a momentary lapse. All other (non-Jamaican) drivers, beware.

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Filed under Smack talking