Hey Facebook, does this shirt make me look fat?
Note: You can file this under “rant.”
Do you know what I absolutely hate?
People who live their every breathing minute on Facebook.
It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.
You know who I’m talking about.
Troll your feed and you’ll see them.
They’re the ones with the frequent status updates.
Every Frappuccino consumed.
Every traffic jam.
Every stubbed toe.
Every <insert other inane activity you could give a shit about here>.
And the pictures.
Loads of pictures.
They post every vacation ever taken, airplane wing, cocktail umbrella, toe shots and all.
Every shot of their kid from ultrasound to graduation.
Every shoe, seashell, snowfall.
Riddle me this Joker: why do people post multiple head shots of themselves?
Have they forgotten how they look?
Do they fear that without that same-angled-plastered-smile-arm-length-self-portrait shot, we won’t remember them?
Maybe it’s just vanity.
I mean, Facebook is a big ego-stroke.
It was designed to give its users a platform to share.
But damn!
Zuckerberg didn’t necessarily want you to reveal the most minute and insignificant detail about yourself and your every waking hour.
I mean, do we really need to know that your STD test came back negative (or positive)?
Or that your momma had her bunions removed?
And it’s not Dear Abbey.
“Hey FB fam, I just shat. Should I wipe front to back or back to front?”
“Facebook, if he’s sleeping with her, but tells me he loves me, should I stay with him?”
“I’ve got a toothache, Facebook. Should I take something or tough it out?”
Stop asking for advice.
Don’t you realize that your proclamation that you “don’t need a man!” only serves to alert the world that you are (once again) alone?
And – in point of fact – actually in need of a man?
All I’m saying is that there is such a thing as over sharing.
Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should.
Yes. I live in a glass house.
Right now it’s full of shattered panes as I toss rocks at the rest of you.
I know I’m guilty of the occasional over-share or posting of frivolous bullshit.
Once I even posted a picture of myself on the throne.
Which I’ve tastefully and artistically recreated above for my loyal readers.
But I digress.
Seriously, take these small bits of advice.
Unless you’re an exhibitionist or shameless fame seeker, keep your Facebook posting to a dull murmur.
If you’ve added your mug to your Facebook album, wait at least a month before posting another. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
The multiple shots of yourself in the car, in the ladies bathroom at your job, sitting at the bar in TGIF – is overkill. Be selective.
If you’re mad at someone, tell them – privately. Fighting on Facebook is just…immature.
Finally, every once in a while, post about how you’re going to be taking a break from Facebook.
Everyone loooovves getting that post.
Stephen Chukumba 