Anyone who knows me knows that people who can’t drive is one of my biggest pet peeves.
If you’re just a bad driver, by no fault of your own, I despise you still, but I tolerate you on the road.
But if you’re actively engaged in behavior that diminishes your driving capacity, I struggle with my road rage to restrain myself from forcing you off the road and pummeling you with my size thirteens.
Why all this hostility, you ask?
I was heading into the city from Jersey on Route 280, when I happened upon this Zipcar, a grey, weaving Toyota Corolla.
Dude was in the left lane, the fast lane, intermittently stepping on his brakes, when no braking hazard existed.
Despite the fact that there were no cars ahead of him, he was driving like an absolute ninny, and refused to either speed up or cede the lane (to the growing line of cars behind him).
It wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have gotten around him, but the traffic in the right lane was equally anemic, so I was trapped.
Mind you, for like 3 or 4 miles, this dude was weaving, braking, and generally causing me to curse his very existence.
When the opportunity to pass this fool (on the right) presented itself, I floored it, pulling astride him to deliver my fiercest what-the-f*ck-is-up-with-you glare.
Imagine how much angrier I was, when I realized that dude was TEXTING on his phone!
His head was down, and he was furiously typing with his right hand, while steering with his left.
As his head was down, my fierce what-the-f*ck-is-up-with-you glare was totally wasted on him, and I sped off angrily, wondering how many other drivers this dude was going to frustrate before getting to his destination.
From the amount of time I spent behind this jerk, he must have been carrying on a complete conversation via text.
If dude really had to send off a text that badly, he could have simply pulled over, tapped out his little message, and saved us (or at least me) unneeded aggravation.
But noooo, he had to get me all riled up!
Now look at what he made me go do!
Anyway, I feel much better now, and that moron lives to text and drive another day.