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What the f*!king f*!k? Top 10 reasons I hate the iPhone X.

Even though I’m an Apple fanboy, who will go to great lengths to extol the virtues of my beloved Apple, I’m also a realist, ready to expose Apple’s flaws notwithstanding.

Case in point, the iPhone X.

Typically, I get the latest Apple devices the minute they hit the stores – more accurately, I pre-order them as soon as they are available.

I bypassed the iPhone 8 Plus specifically to be first in line to get what I was initially calling iPhone “X” but have since been advised is actually called the iPhone “10.”

Now that I’ve had it for a week or so, I definitely have buyer’s remorse. I had built it up in my mind to be this next level ish. But it’s just meh.

It’s more than “meh.” It’s downright frustrating.

More than once I’ve contemplating asking for my first born back and returning the phone to Apple.

There are sooo many things wrong with it, I couldn’t possibly list them all.

But not to deprive you of my expert analysis of the iPhone, and as an homage to the iPhone X (I mean “10”), here are the top 10 reasons I hate the iPhone X (I mean “10”).

1. I miss the Home button. When Apple first disclosed that they were going full-screen, like most people, I thought “wow!” In theory, getting rid of the Home button would free up some serious real estate for video, apps and games. But in actuality, the transition to no Home button has been hard. Per Apple’s design guidelines and best practices, you’re not supposed to use that space for anything but the Home bar, which isn’t quite as useful and intuitive as the Home button (to which so many of us had become accustomed). Now instead of pressing the Home button to turn on your phone, log in (via Touch ID), exit out of apps, take a picture, etc., you’ve got to do a bunch of different things to achieve the desired result.

2. Force touch is a farce. I used to be able to swipe left from the side or up from the bottom of the phone on the lock screen to access the camera or flashlight (which was stored with other functions on the control panel). The first few times I tried to access the camera, by doing the obvious and holding the camera icon, nothing happened. It took me a few attempts to get the camera to open, and when I tried to do it again, I couldn’t. I had to resort to a Google search and videos before I understood that force touch and release was the trick.

3. Face ID sucks. Apple touted Face ID as the hot new shit. Per Apple, “Face ID lets you securely unlock your iPhone X, authenticate purchases, sign in to apps, and more—with just a glance.” It was supposed to be uber-secure. But as we now know, it’s quite easy to fool Apple’s biometric security system, as one 10 year old was able to demonstrate on YouTube. Not only does it unlock on siblings’ and offsprings’ faces, a well made mask will also do the trick!

And that’s when it works. I’ve wanted to smash the phone on my face for all the times that nothing happens at all. Or when I held it up and am presented with the keypad to type in my security code. WTF?!!

4. Missing: battery percentage indicator. There is nothing more frustrating than running out of juice on your phone. The battle of the battery was made manageable by the little percentage indicator that let you know exactly how much juice you had left before you were assed out. But with the iPhone X (I mean “10”), you’re reduced to guesstimating when trying to determine remaining battery life. Of course, you do get to see the amount of battery your phone has left, when you connect it to a charger, but what good is that when you’re out and about? Hey Apple, maybe if you got rid of that f*cking notch you’d have more space to give us back our percentage indicator.

5. I just want to turn off the f*cking phone! If you’ve ever owned an iPhone, you know that rapid charger or nah, your phone charges much faster if it’s turned off than when it’s on. So you can imagine my chagrin when I couldn’t figure out (a) how much battery I had left, and (b) how to turn the damn thing off so that it could charge faster. Before, you could just hold the side button for a few seconds which brought up the slider allowing you to turn the phone off. Now the side button dials up Siri. In order to turn off the phone, you’ve got to hold the side button and either volume button in order to get the slider and turn the phone off.

6. App switching is a bitch. Prior to the iPhone X (I mean “10”), I was able to access the apps I had running in the background by a simple double press of the home button. But the home button is gone. So now what? More goddamn gestures. That’s what! To access your apps, you’ve got to swipe up from the bottom of the screen in whatever app you happen to be in and hold it in the middle of the screen. If you do it correctly, then you’ll see the rest of your apps pull in from the left side of your screen. Now allegedly, you’re also supposed to be able to switch between apps by swiping along the bottom of the screen from left to right or right to left in order to access apps quicker. But I’ve yet to be able to master that lil trick.

7. Wireless charging is whack. The iPhone is a notorious power drain. So it was with great joy and excitement that I greeted the news that wireless charging was coming the the iPhone. Lesser phones had wireless charging, and now Apple saw fit to bestow that capability upon its loyal subjects. In anticipation of being able to charge my phone without tethering, I purchased the Mophie wireless charging base. Boasting the latest Qi technology and up to 7.5W fast-charging speeds, I just knew that I was stepping up my game when it came to keeping my iPhone juiced up. Alas, twas not to be. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve placed my phone on the damn Mophie overnight only to wake up the following day to a half-charged phone. Even when you get the alert on the home screen that your phone is charging, it may not actually be charging. Back to being tethered.

8. Can I puh-lease just close the friggin’ apps? Remember how you used to be able to exit out of apps by double-clicking the home button to pull up all the apps you had open on your iPhone, and simply swiping up? Those days are long gone. With the iPhone X (I mean “10”) you’ve got to swipe up from the bottom and hold to reveal all your apps. Then you’ve got to long hold one of the open apps to get the “-” symbol to appear on the top left corner of the app, before you either swipe up or press the “-” symbol to exit out of an app.

9. Why can’t the iPhone just open to the home screen? One of my biggest pet peeves with the iPhone X (I mean “10”) is the fact that it never opens up to the home screen after you unlock it. Never. You’ve got to swipe up from the bottom on the lock screen to expose whatever screen you happened to be on when you last used your phone. And then swipe up from that screen to get to the home screen. That’s just too much work if you ask me.

10. What’s with that stupid notch? When the “all screen” iPhone X was announced, I thought, what are they going to do with the phone and earpiece? I had fantasies of a camera hidden behind the glass and an earpiece embed seamlessly into the screen. And then I saw that notch and thought, that’s hideous. And then came the Samsung commercials and memes, which (I had to admit) were spot on. Not only is the notch aesthetically unappealing, it also wreaks havoc on app makers who haven’t yet updated their content to meet Apple’s exacting design guidelines. Note to developers – make sure you do to avoid having navigation buttons and other functionality inaccessible in landscape mode.

Now despite my distaste for the above, I still love my iPhone X (I mean “10”). Most of my complaints go to the fact that I’ve got to unlearn everything I knew about navigating on an iPhone and acclimate myself to doing things on the X.

Like the missing headphone jack, it’s going to take a bit of getting used to. But it also means that I’m riding the wave of the future for Apple devices.

Do you have an iPhone X (I mean “10”)? If so, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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10 Tips for jumping off properly.

There are rules to pimping.

If you're going to be a pimp, you gotta act like a pimp!

In light of Tiger Woods’ current women troubles, I thought it was an appropriate time to dust off my Playa’s Manual, and offer my mans n’ ’em, some advice on keeping your jump offs from getting ‘out of pocket.’

Here are a former playa’s 10 Ten rules for keeping jump offs in check.

1.  Professionals only need apply. There is no point in dealing with someone who can’t be discrete. The whole point of stepping out is knowing that your naughtiness won’t be divulged to (1) your wife; (2) every Tom, Dick and Harry; or (3) TMZ.

2.  No first names. Maintain your anonymity. Deal with people who don’t know you. If you’re a celebrity, stick to pros or cats you’ve jumped off with in the past, known for their discretion.

3.  No txt msgs. When you text your jump off, you leave a digital bread crumb trail leading right back to your sloppy ass. Keep your ish on the DL! Or txt n untlgbl cd ur wf cnt dcphr.

4.  No voicemails. Tiger clearly never owned a copy of the manual, because not only did he leave his name, he discussed salient details that made it impossible for him to later deny. C’mon playa! If you can’t reach her, CALL BACK!

5.  Wrap it up. If you’re going to step out, make sure you don’t bring any doggie bags home with you. A clear sign of that you’ve stepped out is coming home with an STD…or a child.

6.  Cash only. If you’re balling with your JO and you want to wine and dine, don’t use credit. Use cash. Playas only deal in cash.

7. No pictures. In this Facebook state we live in, folks are constantly snappin’ n postin’. Don’t fall victim to this trend, lest you play yourself.

8. Have sex, not a relationship. Don’t try to replicate your home life with the jump off. The whole point of jumping off is to escape the routine of your relationship. Keep it light and your jump off will too.

9. Don’t kiss and tell. Make sure you keep your mouth shut. Don’t tell your boys, co-workers, taxi-cab drivers (Taxicab confessions, hello?). And make sure your JO does the same. If you want to keep it going, keep it quiet.

10. If you get caught, admit it. There’s nothing worse than a playa who can’t own up to his gamesmanship. If you’re going to be the man and step out, be the man and take the heat when it comes.

I’m not recommending that dudes run out and bag a jump off.

But now that you’ve got my tips….

PS to all my jump offs, Hey. It’s Stephen. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? And delete all those sex texts I sent you. Also if you could erase the pictures of my BLEEP from your phone, that would be great. You’ve got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.

PPS Don’t forget, my pimp hand is strong!

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